Anonymous Jenna
by Anonymous Jenna
Summary: Life is hard, no one can explain everything. I'm just trying to make my way through it one day at time. To help me keep my thoughts in order Much like Charlie, I've decided to start writing, anonymously, to a friend.
1. September 11, 2015

Dear Friend,

I thought this might help, writing out my thought and whatnot. I was inspired by Perks of Being Wallflower. I know it's not the newest book or movie in the world, but I just saw it for the first time the other day. I fell in love with it and the idea of writing anonymously. So here I am, writing about my life and changing all the names.

You can call me Jenna. I'm 21 and about to go into my third year of college. I live with 5 other adults, a child, and a dog. I'm hoping to get my own apartment next year. I want to work in the movie industry someday, preferably animated movies. I've never been in a romantic relationship. I've never even had my first kiss.

I'm having a hard time with people right now. I'm trying to get over someone. We'll say his name is John. I love him. He made it seem like he loved me too. We met mid-way through my first year and hung out a lot during my second year and this summer. I'd liked him for about a year when this summer started.

We did everything together and hung out together almost every day. And one night we just sat in my car talking from about midnight until three in the morning. He told me that night that if someone had said something we'd probably be boyfriend/girlfriend. He told me he'd have considered me his girlfriend. I got scared because he was leaving soon and I felt so strongly. I kind of laughed it off and told him that I'd have considered him my boyfriend too. I cried so much that night afterwards.

All I could think was how stupid I was, how I'd missed such a perfect opportunity to tell him how I actually felt. One of my roommates found me crying in the hallway around half after three. And while talking to him I decided I had to tell John how I felt and that I'd do it the next day.

I didn't tell him the next day. I didn't tell him for a good week and a half. But I finally did it. I told him how I liked him and didn't know if I'd been obvious or anything but that I should've told him sooner. He told me that I had been kind of obvious and that I should've told him sooner. But that if I had told him sooner that he probably wouldn't have reciprocated because he's looking for something really specific. He didn't tell me what he was looking for, just that it was really specific.

About two weeks later he graduated and moved back over to the other side of the state, leaving me behind. It's been a little over a month since he left. The first two days were filled with me crying, trying to not think about him, and then more crying. It's been getting a little easier… but there are still those days where I miss hanging out with him. We talk about once a week and watch stuff online together, but it's not the same. If anything, it makes it harder sometimes.

The other night I got really depressed, missing John, and a bit angry over the whole thing. So I re-downloaded Skype and started talking to a friend from high school again, we'll call him Bill. This probably isn't the best idea since I had feelings for Bill for four years. He's the type that hasn't gotten a job since graduating a year ago. He lives with his parents, plays video games all day, and just doesn't really have much of a drive to do anything with himself. It makes me sad because he's really smart and a great person. I want the best for him… but talking to him when it was so hard for me to get over those feelings in the first place might not be the best idea.

But it helped that night. We talked for about 2 hours about the stupidest and most random stuff. It was the happiest I've been in a while and that scares me.

I've been making some new friends too though. I've started going to a local bar for trivia and karaoke. I don't drink much, but I've found people to talk to. I've even been invited to a few parties and an outing since meeting them. I'm not much of a partier but the smaller one where we all went to karaoke together was actually a lot of fun, despite my getting really depressed at one point.

That's all I really have to say for now friend… thank you for listening and not judging me. I wish the best for you.

Love always,

Jenna


	2. September 12, 2015

Dear Friend,

I'm scared. I'm hurt. I feel guilty even though I haven't actually done anything wrong. I met someone tonight when I was at a local bar for karaoke. Well, met isn't the right word. We'd already met before when started going to karaoke there. We'd never really talked much other than a compliment on our singing or attire here or there.

But the other day I ran into him when I was getting some food at a place he apparently works at. He told me that he hoped to see me at karaoke that night. I said I probably wouldn't be there that night but that I'd definitely try to make it out Friday.

I made it out Friday and we finally introduced ourselves. He'll be called Tom. Tom seems to be really nice, has some common interests with me, and is an amazing singer. I'm a little attracted to him, I mean he's good looking. But I don't want to be. I don't want anything to do with having those types of feelings for people. And the entire night, John was still at the back of my mind and I felt a strong sense of missing him.

I feel guilty… I know I have no reason to. But I feel so incredibly guilty for being attracted to someone other than John. I feel guilty for talking to Bill when I know it's only to distract myself. I'm scared I'm going to fall for Tom if I actually get to know him. I'm scared I'm going to fall for Bill and enter that cycle all over again. I'm scared I'm never actually going to get over John. I'm scared I'm just going to keep getting hurt.

It seems like everything I do only makes my own mind more confused and upset. I don't want to stop going to karaoke. I'm making friends there, I'm meeting people and having fun. I don't want to turn my back on people because I'm scared.

I know this is short friend… and I know I'm just being stupid. I know I'm doing all of this to myself. I just hope you won't judge me for it. I don't really know how to put any of my other thoughts and feelings into words. So I guess this is goodbye for now. Thank you friend.

Love always,

Jenna

* * *

Dear Friend,

I was finally able to fall asleep last night/early this morning. And though I didn't get much sleep, I do feel a bit better. I'm not as panicked or immediately scared as I was last night. I can think more clearly now.

I'm still not too happy with feeling attraction to someone right now. I still feel like talking to Bill isn't the best idea but I want to reconnect. I still hurt from how everything with John has gone down and yet miss him so much. And I still don't know what I'm supposed to actually do about it all, nor do I think I will anytime in the near future. But I'm able to think about these feeling in a much clearer and more cohesive way.

One thing I have come up with over the course of time since I last wrote is that I don't think I trust people as much as I used to. It's nothing personal to most. But I've been hurt so many times now, I can't see myself letting anyone close without being hurt in some way anymore. This scares me because I tend to let people in far too easily. I give people second chances, third chances, and all the other chances they need. And I end up hurt every time.

I've also become a bit angry at myself since writing last. After I told John and he rejected my feelings I told myself something. I told myself that I wasn't going to feel those types of feelings for anyone, not for a long time. And here I am, not two months later, finding myself attracted to yet another person. The smallest attraction can turn into real feelings with me if I get to know someone well enough. That's how it's always been. I become attracted to someone, start talking to them, make a new friend, and then wait way too long to tell them.

Easy fix would be to just tell them early on, but I'm shy and not good at that kind of stuff. I just get scared and don't ever say anything. I've been working on getting better about it though. John was actually the first person I told face to face and vocalization of it. Every time before that had been through them finding because a friend got involved when they shouldn't have or through a note. So I've made progress at least.

I guess that's all there is to say on that. Thank you for listening friend.

Love always,

Jenna


	3. September 27, 2015

Dear Friend,

It's been a little while since I last wrote. I've been busy lately though. I haven't been going to the bar lately. I realized I was going for the wrong reason. I was using it as a distraction from how I've been feeling about everything. I don't think that's necessarily the best way or place to be dealing with those types of feelings. I never really drank, but it wasn't the best environment to be getting over how I feel.

So I tried just staying home for a while to think about everything. That turned into watching TV and ignoring my thoughts and feelings again. I was becoming a bit of hermit and started feeling a bit lonely. So that didn't really help much either.

So I decided a healthy mix was needed. And now that school has started back I'm getting that. I'm dealing with classes, getting involved with improv again, and hanging out with classes. All in all I'm doing a bit better. Some days have been a bit harder than others though.

I broke down the night before school started up. I was hanging out with some friends from high school. We ended up on the topic of relationships. And I told them about the whole thing that with John. I got the whole spiel about how it's less painful to deal with rejection than to have someone break up. I get why people think that. But what people don't understand is that it varies between situations. John and I hung out all of the time. We did everything together. It was all of the emotional aspects I could want in a relationship without doing anything sexual. I ended up breaking down again later that night.

And then there was the other day where a song that reminded me of him came on the radio and I was overwhelmed with sadness. I'm feeling sad again tonight. I want to get over it, really. I don't want to feel this way. But I still miss him a lot. We haven't talked in about three weeks either. I thought lack of contact might help speed up the process. It has a bit, but like I said... it still hurts a lot.

Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me. Why would I fall so hard for someone that doesn't feel the same way back? What is it about me that make it so nobody ever feels the same way back? What about me is such a turnoff?

I'm still at the point where I don't want to get invested in anyone. I want to find that special someone someday. But I hurt too much to really let anyone in right now...

As for school... well, it's going to be a hard quarter. I've got English 201 (where I have to write a long research paper...), Pre-calc 1, and C & Unix. It's gonna be difficult, but I'm determined to do well this quarter. I've also started working again. I work in the university library down in the archives. Long story short on that, I scan photos. It's not the funnest job ever, but it pays and is good experience.

And then there's improv. I've been on and off a part of an improv group since my first year of college. On and off being because of various reasons. But I enjoy it and the people in the group are pretty cool. A decent ammount of them have a lot of common interests with me, so that's cool. But mostly it provides laughs and an escape. They're a great group of friends, but none of them really know what I've been going through lately, not to the full extent at least. So being able to just put on a smile and have some fun joking time while also becoming better at something with great people is nice. There are times when I'd like to talk to them about it... but I never do. I don't want to bother them with my issues...

That's about all that's been up with me though. Thank you for listening friend. It really does help to talk to you when I feel this way.

Love always,

Jenna


End file.
